Tis the Season to be ????

I'm trying to be jolly; I really am. But the circumstances thrown our way lately are really making it hard. So I must vent my frustrations and worries! The head-on collision a month ago just turned our lives upside-down. It has been a month since I picked up my children or been able to receive a "big" hug from them because of the pain. In the last week, though, I have started feeling some better, so I decided I could lift Kyleigh. Then, last night, returns the "tearing" pain around my ribs. Guess I need to hold off even longer! I just want to feel like a good mom again!

Since the nausea and dizziness had subsided, I thought I felt up to riding to Branson. We had bought season tickets to Silver Dollar City this year, so we had planned on taking the kids to see the lights. Michael and I were up half the night before we left with Jasmine (my little dog of 15 years). Jasmine's health had been deteriorating over the last couple of months, but in the last couple of days, she had stopped eating and couldn't stand because of the pain in her legs. I just prayed and prayed for God to take her because I didn't want her to suffer, but I also didn't want to take her to be put down. I just didn't want to be the one to take her life. I was confused over whether to go on with our trip or to stay at home, but I decided it would be best if we were not at home when Jasmine passed. It would be hard enough to explain to the girls as it was. So, Mom was going to check in on her throughout the day and just make sure she was comfortable as she could be. However, she got worse, and Michael finally talked me into letting Mom take her to the vet so she wouldn't suffer any longer. To be totally honest, I was furious with God for not answering my prayers; I just wasn't feeling up to making that decision. I immediately felt sorry for being mad with God, and then Michael received a call from Becky saying that she had gone to check on "Jaz", and she was gone. I was relieved in one sense that God answered my prayer and that she was out of pain, but I was so sad. This was my pet of 15 years, and such a good dog! She'd been through a lot with me, and I will miss her greatly.

I just broke down in the car, and Michael had to explain to the girls what had happened. They just cried and cried! So that made me cry even more, knowing my girls were hurting, and I couldn't "fix" the hurt! Needless to say, the trip was not a lot of fun! Besides crying over "Jaz" a lot, I had not even thought about Silver Dollar City not being open, and they were closed both days we were up there. I felt so bad because they were really looking forward to the rides. The girls did get to see Santa at Bass Pro Shop, and we drove through the Shepherd of the Hills light show, so it wasn't a total bust.

I'm trying really hard to remind myself of the many blessings I have. I know when I start feeling bad about what's going wrong, I need to look at my kids and my sister's kids and my grandma and be thankful that we're here together after that horrific accident. And I know that Jasmine had a good life; I just pray for the words I need for my kids when they ask every day where she is or why she can't come back home.

Please help me find my "jolly" for this Christmas season! I'm soooooo ready!!!!!!

IN MEMORY

JASMINE

Easter 1994--December 15, 2009